Dreamcatcher

Perhaps if I put these dream journals out into the universe to be witnessed, the nightmares will ease. There have been so many more than listed here. Please just let them live here and not in my head…

1/15/26
I thought I was doing okay, until I dreamt of you as a small child, walking around with a bullet hole in the side of your head…. You were smiling at me. You were silent. I held your hand. But mom told me you had to be back in a few hours for your funeral. You were so little and so unaware. It was so confusing. I didn’t want to take you back. I just wanted to keep holding you. The bullet hole was getting worse. I woke up in a cold sweat and a silent sob. I had to go cry on the bathroom floor- I didn’t want to wake my partner. I’m no more okay than your head. But I’ll smile. I’ll pretend. Everyone has enough to carry.

3/19/26
I had a dream last night, that mom killed herself in grandma and grandpas bathroom. She just couldn’t go on without you.
But the family was gathering and you and mom were both there. You were a little boy again, and you couldn’t talk- you wouldn’t smile. She was still in her body, but she was dead and distant. I was trying to keep ahold of you, but you kept wandering off to different rooms. I kept trying to talk to her, but she pretended she was fine as her body was dying. You both kept slipping further and further away from me. I just wish I could hold your hand.

5/10/26
It was the week before he killed himself. He’d been having headaches. I called him, knowing it was the week before. Telling him I’d let him have some of my migraine meds. He said “thanks sissy” enthusiastically, saying that would probably really help.
I told him I was sorry that I’d not checked in or been a better sister. He tried to play it off like he was fine and that things were okay between us, but it’s like we both knew he was about to kill himself, we both got choked up. I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and then he hung up.
Im drowning in the guilt. I wish I could give my mom back her son today. I should have been a better sister.
I love how my mind has been so scrambled that I struggle with having any sense of time or any clear memories from the last few months. But somehow my mind never seems to forget to remind me how he died. Migraine meds probably won’t fix a bullet to the head…

7/2/26
Mom tried to get pregnant without a uterus. She longed for you so much, she was not in her right mind. I begged her not to. I knew it could kill her, it would be another loss for her if it didn’t. It could not bring you back. She would not listen. She made a deal with some dark entity to make it happen. And I watched her slowly slip away. She didn’t care if she died. She wanted to be with you. I begged her. I told her I needed her, that I was still here. She would not listen. She faded away. Gone. And all I could do was curl in a ball, a little girl screaming “Mama! Mama!” A primal agony of abandonment and despair. A child needing her mother and knowing she did not have one. I jolted awake and I still can’t shake the feeling. I’m so scared to sleep. I’m so scared I’m losing her too.